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A loss for words (by Paper Town Girl)

I have found that I have a difficult time expressing the complex feelings I have about technological advancement in this day and age.  This is rare for me-I usually have a lot to say about almost everything. In most cases I have no problem sharing my perspective on events in a way that others can grasp. Except when it comes to the internet and various devices. Why is it that I sound like I’m just grabbing sounds off of a shelf and throwing them at peoples faces? Why am I getting so upset and frustrated?

Emotionally I am aware of looking stupid. I don’t want to sound uninformed or, really when it comes down to it, uncool. If I start talking about my trepidations concerning the way our lives are being more and more shaped by a virtual world and the tools we use to access it, I am afraid I am putting myself in the room with (egads) my parents. In other words, I will look old and in the way and not modern and young and hip and WITH IT. Will my husband expect me to start talking about the glories of the past and how “when I was little we didn’t have ______ so we had to ______ ?”  WIll I be perceived as a person who has a general fear of the future and technology and instead stands in place and tries to maintain a known reality?

Also, I think I am still in the process of grasping why I sometimes have this feeling in my gut that all of the noise and images and screens, are just somehow wrong. I hear older people voice this feeling readily. They are faced with truly feeling passed up and left behind. I don’t think that it is a true dislike of invention or communication or connection. Almost everyone I know can say that their life has on some level, been improved by something that didn’t exist 10 years ago. Either they have enjoyed better healthcare or a greater sense of knowledge of the world around them-to me these are two of the most basic and profound changes that technology has brought to the world I live in, personally. 

So where is the disconnect for those of us who scowl at an iPad, if we are open to new communication and connection and our lives are being positively impacted by technology? Why do we give in grudgingly?

Simply stated, I think because it is different. Disliking something that is different is not very politically correct. It points to something slow and coarse and antiquated. Yet, I think that it’s part of the human experience. Ever moved from one address to another? Did you feel the way that your mind and emotions had to adjust?  When I am in a new space, my brain works overtime taking in the new corners, lighting and smells. It takes me some time to acclimate. I know that we tell ourselves that “variety is the spice of life,” but I don’t really think that’s true. Human beings are habitual and pattern-oriented. I realize that at this point what I’m saying doesn’t ring true for a lot of people. Maybe you live in a fast paced urban environment. I don’t. I live in a small town in the South. I admit that this conundrum is on display for me more than it might be for others.

For me, I feel as though the furniture of my life is constantly being switched out, before I have had a chance to truly inspect it.  I just got used to this phone. I only yesterday figured out how to save that document. No I don’t want to change the header, I don’t know how. Why do I need a new laptop? Oh my god can I please just sit here and deal with what I DO know???

That feeling of constantly being poked in the arm and asked to make a decision about something new-which is what new innovations can feel like-is exhausting. And right HERE is where I begin to experience the inability to express myself. Because I love so many things about the internet. The content that I read has truly opened my life to so many other people who really do have something meaningful to say. I have met people, had people in my home, laughed, cried and been changed by what I have experienced on the internet. My religious faith has been hugely impacted by web based resources. I know more about Jesus because of the internet. 

Perhaps it’s the simple fact that my life now, and what informs and influences it, looks nothing like my childhood. Yes that’s so cliche, but the feeling of loss is real. It’s as if I came from another country that I can never go back to and I love my new home, but good lord do I miss where I came from. I think this is unavoidable for a lot of people. Remember having something to tell someone and you waited till you got home to call them? Remember getting lost and asking someone for directions? Encyclopedias? Akward boring silences? Catalogs? No, I don’t want to go backwards, but I feel the ghost pains of knowing another reality. 

That juxtaposition can make a person feel crazy. The room spins and you don’t know where you are. You wake up in the new house and it takes a minute to realize you’ve moved and that you can’t go back to the old place. 

I’m feeling this today and I’m happy that my wife can say it so much better than I could. Reading this again and having these feelings myself is due, in part to the change of the seasons physically, but also spiritually. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin and awkward around most people. It feels good to be able to embrace all of this and know that God, in Christ, is guiding me towards a greater knowledge of him and that my hope and treasure is HIM.